Who's Cheatin' Who? A Beginner's Guide to Spotting & Dealing With Infidelity

Semper Fidelis. This is the motto of the United States Marine Corp. It is Latin for Always Faithful. It is a motto that Marines take seriously, a commitment of their loyalty to their country. We all make commitments in life, but how many of us take seriously the concept of semper fidelis? Unfortunately, research shows that when it comes to relationships, the always in the motto tends to morph into mostly or sometimes.

Indeed, deception in one form or another, it turns out, is fairly common. Whether it be in the form of subtle manipulation, lying, or cheating, even ostensibly completely faithful, loving partners are prone to engage in this behavior at times. In this blog post I will focus on cheating in particular by outlining three tips to serve as a handy guide to making you aware when it could be occurring, and for dealing with it if it does occur. Let's face it, if your guy or girl is cheating on you, you need to know!

Tip 1: Rose-colored glasses might be cute, but don't wear them all the time!
Psychologists have long known that people tend to view the world they wish to perceive it. We consistently encounter situations, articles, and other people with preconceived notions. We therefore go out of our way to seek evidence that supports our world view, and our tendency is to dismiss evidence contrary to it. This phenomenon is called confirmation bias, and it pervades our lives in subtle but insidious ways--everything from politics to relationships--and we are generally completely unaware when it is occuring. Economists, in fact, have created an entire subdiscipline known as behavioral economics devoted to how this and other related phenomena affect our economic decision making. When it comes to significant others, especially when we're in love, it's nearly impossible for us not to mentally magnify their positive attributes while deemphasizing (or overlooking entirely) their faults. Clearly, it's good to be tolerant of others' faults, but not blind to them, especially if said fault is a tendency to be unfaithful.

So how do we avoid being blinded by our own biases and wishful thinking? Making a real effort to be honest with yourself and to think critically is a good start, but even after years of helping clients "remove their blinders," I have never found such will power to be sufficient. It always takes a dispassionate, outside observer to bring the truth into focus, preferably an expert with years of experience.

Tip 2: Think first, accuse second!
Even with our rose-colored glasses off, psychological studies make clear that humans are poor judges of character. It turns out that trained interrogators aren't much better than the rest of us when it comes to determining whether someone is telling the truth or not. If you suspect your partner might be acting unfaithfully, simply asking something like "Are you seeing someone else?" is unhelpful and possibly even counterproductive. The answer you receive will almost certainly be worthless. Why? Well, because you don't need to be psychic to predict it in advance: "Of course not! How could you even think such a thing?" Moreover, if the response is a lie, you won't know it. Unless the cheater subconsciously wants to be caught, he or she has mentally rehearsed this response a thousand times, motivated by fear of getting caught. So, not only does your inquiry yield no useful information, you've tipped your hand regarding your suspicions!

So what is the best way to confront your partner when you suspect infidelity? The best course of action is to restrain your emotions and be patient. Because this is far easier said than done, it is wise to seek some support to help you sort out your thoughts as well as the evidence. I help clients do this on a regular basis. Many are pleasantly surprised and relieved to learn that their suspicions were misplaced, while for others my meditations and readings reveal that the infidelity is not only real but far more extensive than they had thought. Either way, though, they come away armed with the truth and better equipped to deal with the situation properly.

Tip 3: Mum's the word!

This brings us to the all-important question...what to do when infidelity is confirmed. The proper course of action is dependent on the individual and on the type of relationship. If the infidelity means that you can no longer remain together, I generally advise refraining from immediately confronting your partner. Instead of tipping your hand, let your partner go on for a while believing you're none the wiser, while you make preparations for a favorable break-up or divorce, as the case may be. In particular, where divorce is concerned, you can gather evidence that will lead to a more favorable settlement for you. For people who are not married but cohabitating, break-ups are often messy, contentious affairs, replete with fights over who owns what and who is owed what. Here again, you can take advantage of the information asymmetry and make arrangements in advance--before your partner can raise objections or interfere with your plans. Married or not, the challenge is not allowing your partner to pick up on your emotions while you're getting things in order. This is where spell work comes into play. The proper concealing spells will help keep your partner in the dark about your discovery until the time is right.

What if the cheating, in your estimation, is hurtful but not necessarily a death sentence for your relationship? Well, in this case the approach is quite different. For my clients who wish to repair a relationship after infidelity (either their partner's or their own), I usually still recommend remaining mum. This gives us time to discover the underlying causes. People cheat for a reason. Sometimes it is discontent; sometimes it is loneliness. Often feelings of inadequacy are involved. Ironically, a fear of losing you can drive your partner to cheat! Insecurity manifests itself in myriad ways. The point is that I must first discern which factors are involved in motivating the infidelity, which entails meditation and psychic work. Once this is complete, I can determine the exact type of love spell most appropriate for your situation. Over my career, my success rate with regard to relationship repair is close to 100%. But be forewarned...if it becomes evident during the course of my meditations that your partner is a serial philanderer, or someone whose deception will continue to hurt you, I will not cast a spell to temporarily repair your relationship. Ethical considerations prevent me from doing so. Plus, sometimes it's best to cut your losses.

In a future blog post I will address the matter of what proactive steps you can take to stave off cheating in the first place. For now, if you find yourself with suspicions, contact me right away at (424) 302-8035 so that we can begin probing into the matter. Don't be a passive victim. You deserve to know the truth, and you deserve to have someone on your side! In the meantime, semper fidelis!